Stop Talking Shit

If there’s one thing I know that every single person on this earth has done, it’s gossip. Even if it’s seemingly innocuous, we have all said something about someone else that we maybe should’ve kept to ourselves. I know I’m guilty of it. The moment the words leave my lips I immediately wish I could shove them back in my mouth. So why do we do it? Why do we feel the need to share details of other people’s lives behind their backs? It’s because gossiping is one of our greatest forms of social currency.

Why We Gossip

• Entertainment - This is truly the simplest reason for gossiping. Picture the last time you gossiped with someone. I’d be willing to bet it might’ve been in the middle of a long work day. Or maybe it was an exciting source of conversation for two friends catching up. Gossiping is an easy fall back when you don’t know what else to talk about or feel bored with your own life.

• Social validation - Sometimes when we gossip we’re looking for validation that our thoughts on someone or something are valid. We might pose this form of gossiping as a question that would start something like “Is it just me or…”

• Establishing common ground - Before we really get to know someone we often rely on surface level subject matter to establish a connection. If you bring up someone you don’t like and you find out this other person doesn’t like them either, you have established common ground and given yourselves something to talk about.

• Sense of inclusion - Much like high school, there are subgroups and cliques formed in most social situations. We all crave belonging to the “in group.” The easiest way to know we’ve made it in is by establishing that there is an “out group.” We choose to gossip about others to feel more established within our own group.

• Building trust - When two people share a secret, it brings them together. It makes us feel special when we’re confided in or when we confide in others. A major form of gossiping is sharing the secrets of others to show how much we trust the person we’re talking to.

Finding a sense of belonging in the world is not an easy feat, and gossiping often makes it easier to fit in, form connections, and establish trust. But that feeling of belonging that comes from sharing the secrets of others is actually quite shallow. It’s a thrill to be the person someone shares with, up until the point we realize that if they’re willing to talk about some of their closest friends, there’s nothing to keep them from talking about us behind our backs too. The secret to a true and longer-lasting bond is trustworthiness and discretion. It takes longer to establish but it will feel ten times more rewarding.

Every action item I share is one that I too take to heart and spend a great deal of time working on. But as I think more and more about living authentically and honestly I know this one in particular is one I want to really spend time on. ✪ Action item: Think of three topics of conversation that you can bring up any time you feel the urge to gossip. When we can’t think of anything else to talk about it’s easy to slide back down the path of talking behind people’s backs. But if you come prepared with things to discuss or questions to ask another person, you will have a replacement that will help to curb the habit of gossiping.