Protecting Your Peace

With the holidays coming around the corner many of us will soon be fielding unwanted questions about our love life, political affiliations, and career choices. The holidays can be a time filled with love and connectivity, but for some it can be a trying time spent with people who test our patience. Much of this comes down to family and friends and the boundaries we set with them.

Setting boundaries is a tremendously difficult thing to do. Who can we set boundaries with? Are we selfish to set boundaries with family members? What happens when our boundaries still aren’t respected? While I don’t have all of the answers, I have some experience with establishing boundaries and can share with you what I believe has truly helped me.

I have had to set some really harsh boundaries in my life to protect my peace and mental health. It has not been easy, but I am a better version of myself for it. These are my tips on how you can set boundaries for yourself.

Types of Boundaries

I believe there are three types of boundaries: physical, verbal, and mental.

• Physical boundaries - A physical boundary is exactly what it sounds like. Sometimes distance really is the best thing for certain relationships. If you’re related to someone whose presence in your life has been traumatic and upending, maybe you choose to only see that person once a year going forward. You establish a physical boundary where you get to choose when and where you see them to make sure you’re mentally prepared when you do. You can also maintain physical boundaries even when you’re in the same room as someone by choosing to not sit next to them at the dinner table, putting some space between you, or removing yourself from the room if things become too difficult.

• Verbal boundaries - A verbal boundary is when you let someone know that they’ve either crossed a line, or that a certain topic is not up for discussion. Politics is a great example of this. Because it’s such a divisive topic, politics can often turn a lovely family gathering into an all out war. If you know a discussion of politics could quickly go south, you could set a verbal boundary before the conversation really begins. When someone starts in you could say “I respect your opinions and your right to discuss your political viewpoints, but I don’t want to engage in this discussion right now.” The key here is to not over-speak. You do not need to explain yourself. And if they try to keep the conversation going, repeat that you would like to table the discussion for the day, or set a physical boundary by leaving the room.

• Mental boundaries - The last boundary is the mental kind. In certain cases we can not physically remove ourselves, and our verbal boundaries are repeatedly ignored. In these situations the only thing we can do is set a mental boundary. We can choose not to let things upset us. This is the hardest one of all, and one that takes practice. You can choose to turn the channel in your brain and think of something else, or tell yourself that that they’re entitled to their opinions, and try your best not to take them personally.

Using one or a combination of these boundaries could either shield you from certain topics and relationships, or they can strengthen your relationships and bonds by helping you to navigate or avoid potential landmines.

✪ Action item: Think of a friend, family member, coworker, or acquaintance who you’d like to set a boundary with. Determine which type of boundary makes the most sense for that particular person. Create a game plan for how you will test out that boundary. How will that feel when your boundary is respected? What if it’s not? Will you add on another type of boundary as an extra layer of protection? Mentally preparing and strategizing for how you will establish a new boundary with someone will make it easier when the moment arises.

I truly hope these help you as they have helped me.